Meh.

I'm bored.

That's the first time I've said that in a while actually. I usually am off doing things with friends. I should be doing so tonight since there's no school tomorrow. But that's okay. I like sitting around home once in a while.

Some one should text me though so I have someone to talk to!!!

I still feel half empty. I've filled it halfway with friends and dance. But the other half is still gone.

*sigh*

Music is the science of manipulating emotion through sound.

Freaking out. I Love Black Veil Brides.

WHOA!!!!!!!

Pants

I don't know why I'm posting something because I have nothing I want to post about right now.

Last night with Nikki was craaaaaazy though. We are psycho. I love us. Best friends for freaking ever dude.

I want to dye my hair black. I don't know why. I love my blonde hair though. I suppose that I just want to do something drastic in order to release a TON of frustration that I still am not able to get out. Who knows?

In someways it feels like every day, things get better, and in other ways it feels like every day things get a little worse. *sigh*

I would just say that I love my best friend to death cause she is always there for me! And she makes me feel good about myself and makes time for us to have fun! She is amazing!

Written On Our Hearts

So I read this book. It was really insightful. This kid thought that God took everyone's hearts and wrote who they were on them. Though that is not what I believe I thought it was very profound.

What has God written on my heart?

Things God Has Written on Stephanie's Heart:

Sad

Crazy

Confused

Hopeful

Forgiving

Full of Love

Needy

Emotional

Lazy

Procrastinate

Imaginative

Random

Heartache

Happy

Depressed

Opinionated

Isolated

I dunno. There's probably a lot more things that have been written on my heart but I'm not in the mood to ponder about it.

Everyone has stuff written on their hearts. You can change it though if you want to. I haven't gotten to that stage yet where I'm willing to change some things. Others I'm working on right now. Though, even when you do seal up those wounds that have been carved on you, they will leave scars. Somehow each of those words has effected your life and you can't cover that up. But you will always know you're a better person than you used to be.

Look at me trying to sound all smart. Ha ha :]

*sigh*

Some More

If I could go back in time,

Wouldn't change a damn thing in my life.

Love the dumb things we do when we're young...

But the best is yet to come.

Go for it!

Run toward it!

Dive in head first.

Live life with no regret.

Put your heart out there, don't be scared.

You might get hurt, but it's all worth it in the end.

'Cause the best is yet to come.

I know you don't believe me.

And I just wanna say...

I remember conversations,

Before I gave up on me.

And if it's any consolation,

I remember everything.

And you can't take that, no you can't take that away.

You were the one who saved me.

And you can't take that away.

My hopes are so high,

That your kiss might kill me.

So won't you kill me?

So I die happy.

My heart is yours to fill or burst,

To break or bury,

Or wear as jewelery,

Whichever you prefer.

Here's a song for the nights I think too much.

And here's a song, when I imagine us together.

Here's a song for when we talk

And I forget my words.

Heaven can wait up high in the sky.

It's you and I.

Heaven can wait deep down in your eyes.

I'm yours tonight.

Lay your heart next to mine.

I feel so alive.

Tell me you want me to stay forever.

'Cause heaven can wait.

What I fear, and what I try.

The words I say and what I hide.

All the pain, I want it to end.

But I want it again.

And it finds me.

The fight inside is coursing through my veins.

And it's raging.

And the fight inside is breaking me again.

I've come undone.

But you make sense of who I am.

Like puzzle pieces in your eye.

When I'll see your face.

I'll know I'm finally yours.

I'll find everything I thought I lost before.

You call my name,

I come to you in pieces.

So you can make me whole.

I need you.

I need you here! I need you now!

I need security somehow.

I need you like you would not believe.

You're the only thing I want.

'Cause you're everything, everything I need.

Maybe I'm down low.

Maybe I'm up high.

Maybe I'm losing my own mind.

We know that there are no other two hearts closer than ours.

Maybe you'll follow, maybe you'll stay.

I'm praying you won't give yourself away.

You know that you are the only one I'd promise the stars.

You are.

I feel like I've everything when you're gone.

Left remembering what it's like,

To have you here with me.

I thought you should know you're not making this easy.

I never thought I'd be the one to say...

Please dont.

Well please don't leave me.

Lyrics

I'm so sick of living for other people.

Took meeting to you realize,

I don't wanna lose ya, I wanna keep ya.

Put your little hand in mine and look into my eyes, baby eyes.

Oh you make me wanna listen to music again!

Yeah you make me wanna listen to music again!

I've found my place in the world.

Could stare at your face

For the rest of my days.

Now I can breathe

Turn my insides out and smother me.

Warm and alive, I'm all over you.

Would you smother me?

When I'm alone, time goes so slow.

I need you here with me.

And how my mistakes

Have made your heart break.

Still need you here with me.

So baby, I'm, baby I'm here.

Into your eyes,

Hopeless and taken.

We stole our new lives.

Through blood and pain.

In defense of our dreams.

We were the kings and queens of promise.

We were the victims of ourselves.

Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.

I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.

I see you standing here,

But you're so far away.

Starvin for your attention;

You don't even know my name.

You're going through so much,

But I know that I could be the one to hold you.

I'm stretching but you're just out of reach.

You should know.

I'm ready when you're ready for me.

And I'm waiting for the right time

For the day I catch your eye

To let you know that I'm yours to hold.

You will see someday,

That all along the way,

I was yours to hold.

In love it's a lonely road.

Ohhhh

When this world burns down deep in your soul!

Ohhhhh

You will find there's a piece left in mind.

You will find there's a piece to find.

If we don't make it alive,

Well it's a hell of a good day to die.

All our light that shines strong,

Only lasts for so long.

My eyes burn,

From these tears.

You think you'd learn over these years.

Good things don't last forever.

Sometimes I feel I could drop off the face of the earth,

It seems I do more harm than good.

It's late at night and I can't sleep.

Missing you just runs too deep.

Oh I can't breathe, thinking of your smile.

I just wanna be with you,

'Cause living is so hard to do,

When all I know is trapped inside your eyes.

Every kiss I can't forget.

This achin' heart ain't broken yet.

Oh God, I wish I could make you see.

'Cause I know this flame isn't dying.

So nothing can stop me from trying...

Baby you know that, made it's time for miracles.

'Cause I ain't giving up on love.

No, I ain't giving up on us.

I don't want this moment,

To ever end.

Where everything's nothing,

Without you.

I wait here forever,

Just to, to see your smile.

'Cause it's true, I am nothing.

Without you.

Through it all I made my mistakes, I stumble and fall,

But I mean these words!

I want you to know! With everything I won't let this go.

These words are my heart and soul.

I'll hold onto this moment you know, 'cause I'll bleed my heart out to show.

And I won't let go.

I wanted you to know, that I love the way you laugh.

I want to hold you high and steal your pain away.

I keep your photograph, and I know it serves me well.

I want to hold you high and steal your pain.

Because I'm broken,

When I'm lonesome.

And I don't feel right,

When you're gone away.

You've gone away; you don't feel me here anymore.

Tidal waves they rip right through me.

Tears from eyes worn cold and sad.

Pick me up now, I need you so bad.

And I will find the enemy within.

'Cause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin.

Dear Agony, just let go of me.

Suffer slowly, is this the way it's gotta be?

Don't bury me faceless ememy!

I'm so sorry... Is this the way it's gotta be, dear Agony?

All is lost again.

But I'm not giving in.

I will not bow! I will not break!

I will shove the world away.

I will not fall! I will not fade!

I will take your breath away.

Bang!

Explosions in my head that just won't quit.

A train is crashing through the wall around my heart,

And left it only dead. Obliterated.

Stop!

My breathing in the night when you aren't there.

The silence ringing through my ears,

And all I want to do is hear your voice.

But you're not there.

Drawn together,

The pain has rushed through.

Sleight of hand, blink,

We won't go up in smoke.

Things colliding, love undying.

Like the rising tide,

Beating hearts grow but never die.

To simplify I'll stand by your side.

Close my eyes, hope will never die.

Just don't give up!

I'm working it out.

Please don't give in. I won't let you down.

It messed me up, need a second to breathe.

Just keep coming around.

Yeah it's plain to see, that baby you're beautiful.

And there's nothing wrong with you.

It's me.

I'm a freak.

But thanks for loving me. 'Cause you're doing it perfectly.

My whole world surrounds you,

I stumble then I crawl.

You could be my someone.

You could be my scene.

You know that I'll protect you from all of the obscene.

I wonder you're doing?

Imagine where you are...

There are oceans in between us, but that's not very far.

I miss you.

I miss the sound of your voice in my ears.

I miss the way you shake in my arms when you laugh.

I miss the way your smile just brightens up my day, my world.

I miss the way you make me feel.

No one could ever make me feel the way you do.

I feel so happy, and yet almost scared.

I feel excited and overwhelmed.

I feel so many things it's hard to describe.

Sometimes it makes me fumble over my words.

I miss the way you are.

I miss everything you say.

Everything you do makes me smile and laugh.

I miss the way you look at me.

I just kinda lose myself in your eyes. They're so beautiful.

I miss us.

I miss holding you in my arms.

I miss being stupid with you.

I miss listening to music with you. Whether I like it or not.

Whether you like it or not.

I miss holding your hand.

I miss going on walks.

I miss watching tv together.

I miss the feeling of your lips on mine.

I miss slow dancing with you.

I miss holding your hand until you fall asleep.

I miss being with you.

I miss you.

I'm Not Sure What To Title This

I feel good on the outside. I feel, I wouldn't say happy, but I feel good enough.

But inside my heart is still sad and achy. Every day.

Worst feeling ever.

I want nothing more than to be in his arms. To hold his hand. Anything.

I dunno.

Stupid Valentines Day. I hate you.

Valentines

Valentines Day sucks.

I guess that's really only the demeanor that those people who know it's not going to be special for them have. When you know you aren't going to be spending it with someone special, or getting flowers or chocolate (chocolate is a lame gift anyways yuck yuck yuck, and flowers die......), it just isn't a day to look forward to.

I went and saw the movie Valentines Day today too. It was really great and was a super darling movie. But... I dunno. It fuels the hatred for the holiday! Ha ha.

Anyways. I work tonight. It was nice just to do my own thing today while everyone else if off doing stuff for Sweethearts. What a loser I am. I don't have the money to pay for a dance anyways; even if I wanted to go... Oh well.

No school Monday! Thank goodness. Thank you, Presidents Day.

Secret Crowds

If I had my own world
I'd fill it with wealth and desire
A glorious past to admire
And voices of kids out walking, dogs, birds, planes, cleanest cars

If I had my own world
I'd love it for all that's inside it
There'd be no more wars death or riots, there'd be no more police packed parking lots, guns, bombs sounding off,

If I had my own world
I'd build you an empire
From here to the far lands
To spread love like violence

Let me heal you, carry you higher
Watch your words spread hope like fire
Secret crowds rise up and gather
Hear your voices sing back louder

If I had my own world
I'd show you the life that's inside it
The way that it glows when you find it
The way it survives with it's familys, friends or it's enemys
Let's make this the new world
I swear you can go if you want to
I know that you have that within you
Inventing the first clean and useable
God's greatest miracle

If I had my own world
I'd build you an empire
From here to the far lands
To spread love like violence

If I had my own world
I'd build you an empire
From here to the far lands
To spread love like violence

Let me heal you, carry you higher
Watch our words spread hope like fire
Secret crowds rise up and gather
Hear your voices sing back louder

I'm really in love with this song at the moment. I'm not sure why. I wish I could just immerse myself in it and soak in the beautiful lyrics and majesty of the music. The only way that I can think of explaining it is majestic.

I never liked Angels and Airwaves. Or any music like that. It's definitely part of Sam that grew on me and that I can't let go of. I love that kind of music now. I shouldn't... 'Cause I never did. And I'm too hardcore. :] Ha ha but I do.

Anyways... I'm not sure what else to say today. I just know I liked that song a lot and wanted to talk about it a bit.

Emptiness

Sadness. It sucks. (Same with stupidity! Or a least it should...) So does the emptiness that comes with it. Like there's nothing left inside of you. It's a hard feeling to explain, you know?

Sometimes I wish I wasn't even alive. At least I wouldn't be able to cause people pain.

*sigh*

At least I still have dance and my friends and my family...

Everything may not be perfect but at least we tried.

It's too late to say all the wonderful things that I thought of you.

So tonight, sweet dreams, and sleep tight.

I've been trying so hard, can't get you out of my mind.

And if this is how it has to be-

Just promise you won't forget me, and I'll leave you with this lullaby...

Tonight.

Goodnight everyone. Long days ahead.

Words

Well... I'm not sure where to start. I'm not sure what I want to say either. I have a lot of thought swimming around in my head that I wanted to just get out, but to be honest I'm not sure where to begin.

Anger. Is an evil, manipulating thing. Never let it overcome you or swallow you up. If you are feeling angry about life, or at people, or just for no reason in particular. Allowing it all to just build up inside you is not healthy. Talk to someone. Surround yourself with people you love. Friends, family, anyone. Anger is powerful and it will consume you if you let it. Take it from me. I know. I let it just brew inside me; when I let it out... *sigh* It was to someone who did not deserve it. I was fierce and blunt. So, now I have ruined one of the best things I've ever had in my life. Possibly the BEST thing I've ever had in my life. Perhaps even beyond repair, no matter how much I want to work things out. To anyone who reads my posts: Anger will only lead you to misery.

The worst part about break-ups... Is the second day. The first day you are just like "What just happened...?" But the second day all reality slams you in the face and you're like "Oh, God. What HAPPENED? How did something so beautiful, and so amazing just... Crumble?"

Then you realize you have nothing inside.

It's like someone just ripped out your guts and put them in a blender and tried to put the resulting soup back in your body. And then your heart was smashed with a sledge hammer. It struggles to beat normally.

But mostly. It's just the emptiness inside.

People think it's fine for the person who did the breaking up. Nothing is wrong for them. But that's not true. Not at all. They can often be just as devastated and confused as their former significant other. Perhaps... They don't even understand why they did it in the first place. But there's no turning back now cause it's like they've taken a knife to the relationship and shredded it. It's very much possible that the other person hates them now. Lost feelings for them completely. But what can be expected, right?

One other thing is... After you are with someone so perfect for so long. When I try to think of myself with other people, it's nauseating. I try to think of dating, but the only person I can see is him. But I've ruined it.

I guess it's a question in itself why I broke up with him. I guess it was just my anger and frustration that was piling up. Remember me talking about that up there ^^^^^? Yeah. It's just confusing when you think that all is right in the world and all of a sudden you have to "take a break". It just messes with my head. I couldn't take myself becoming more frustrated and confused everyday. So I just... Exploded. Out of the mouth. Go life long mistakes.

I'd like to address depression as well. Everyone has had their bouts of depression. They hurt. It's just like all those stupid advertisements for depression medicine say. Loss of interest. Don't want to be around people. Always tired. Sadness. Despair. Clinical depression is very complicated. I always hated when people told me to stop bagging on myself about stuff. Or to just be happy. When you are depressed, you can't "just be happy". It is literally as if you have weights pulling down on your body, on your life. Again to all of the readers out there: Talk to someone about it. I know you hear that in school and everywhere else you could possibly think of. But it's true. You lose so much if you don't. Tell your parent! Get some doctors help. Your life will be increasingly easier if you do. Depression is a punk. Don't let it control your life. Take it from someone who has suffered for the longest time. I'm finally getting better. For the most part. Do not let it consume you; life is not for living in sorrow :]

Let's just say that I'm one of the stupidest people who have ever been put on this earth. I'm needy and inconsiderate and impatient. I let anger and depression control me and it contributed to destroying the best relationship I ever had and making the person I love most hate me. I wish it could have a quick fix. I wish... That we could talk it out and everything would be okay. But I guess that's just not how the world works. It's my fault of course. I would never blame it on him. Thank you Stephanie's stupidity.

I wish I could be:

• Patient
• Not messed up
• Non-Emotional
• Able to go back in time
• Perfect for him

But that's not how it works.

Life is cruel, it's true. But then again, life is what we make it. So, in a way I suppose that I have a knack for messing things up for myself. Go me.

I know one thing for sure. If things don't work out with him... I'm done with relationships. I don't think I could possibly ever find what I have now (...had?). I would never be able to look a man with interest. It makes me uneasy to even think about it. I'll just be a cat lady. I don't care. He's all I ever needed. And always will be. I'll die alone without him.

Whether he think so or not, I still love him. Even if he thinks I hate him. I don't. I love him. Even if he doesn't love me anymore, well, I still love him. Even if he reads this and doesn't believe a damn word I say. I still love him. Even if he thinks this whole post is BS and that I'm just doing it hoping he'll read it. I still love him. Even if he doesn't try and finds someone else. As heartbroken as I'd be, I still love him. Even if he decides there's nothing left between us. I still love him. But if things work out... And everything is okay again. I think I'll cry. From happiness.

I guess I didn't really think about what I was throwing away. That's another thing that anger, depression, and frustration do to you. They make you blind. To everything.

So this last part I'm dedicating to Sam.

Samuel, I don't know what you are thinking. I wish I did though. If you hate me... I know I can't blame you. I can't even find words to say what I want to convey. I'm sorry for how I treated you. I know that much. I can't say I'm sorry that I broke up with you, as horrifying as that sounds, because I needed to to clear my head. The whole on a break thing... I don't know. It was just traumatizing. I wish you understood how I was feeling. But... *shrug* I know you probably don't understand. I DO wish I never had broken up with you. But I'm not sorry for it. Does that make sense without sounding mean? I wish I had a better way with words. Everything I say seems to come out the wrong way.

But I love you. I always will. We had something beautiful going for us. I miss you. Deeply and horribly so. I long to be in your arms again. I don't know what I could say to make you believe me. I don't even know if you care about what I'm saying to you. But no matter what... I am in love with you. You are one amazing guy. I know I would never be able to find someone like you ever again. One of a kind.

I will follow you into the dark.

-Steph

And now...?

I have reached that point where I have no idea what to do. About anything. In a way I can not believe that I really broke up with him. I miss Sam so much already. Every part of me wants to be with him. I just can't play that middle ground. It's too hard. It's hard to explain what I feel inside and my thought process about it. It just wasn't us. So I had to end it; at least for now. I just wish I could see inside his head.

Had a dream last night where he wrote me a letter. I don't really remember what was in the letter, but it was really long, that's for sure. I wish I could remember.

I wish we could just work things out. We're both such emotionally sensitive people... It's not easy. I don't think he wants to. He probably thinks I don't care. Or that I hate him. Or that our relationship meant nothing.

If that's the case... I don't know. He couldn't be more wrong.

I guess that if things are meant to work out they will. I'm not going to bug him about it because that seems to always be my problem. I never shut up. Ha ha I hope that we get to talk about everything. I just want to wipe away the last 3 months and start with a clean slate.

Because I need him. In my life. I love him.

Stupid life, why must you be so difficult?

Anger

I have a lot of anger pent up lately. I doubt that it is very healthy at all. It's hard to... You know, run it through the right filters so it's not harmful to me. Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. But I try to turn it into exercise or something good. It's not easy to actually get up and do something when all I feel like doing is sitting and just not caring.

But I have to care! If something is going to hurt, I'm gonna change it around into something that will benefit me. I don't want to be angry all the time. Or depressed. Or sad.

I guess this post really had no point. I just felt that I should write stuff down a little bit. Who really cares what I did today or whatever. I DID get to see Sam. That boy...

. . .

Fuck everything.

I don't ever say that word. EVER. I don't think I've ever said it in my entire life. But it's the only thing I feel like saying right now.

I'm going to blow out my freaking eardrums by how loud I listened to this Stupid Love Letter song over and over.

I have no idea whether he gives a shit about me at all. I don't understand. People I hardly ever talk to talk to me more than he does. I'm just so frustrated.

Now I feel like crying. I can't cry again. Not anymore. I was finally okay...

WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL!?!?!??!

Stupid Love Letter

So I took all night to write this stupid love letter to you.

Yeah, you. From me, to you.

And all the time that I wasted on this stupid love letter to you.

Fuck you!

From me.

To you.

You said no. No...

Best lyrics EVER right now. *bangs head against something*

I need to run. Need to let out the anger, anxiety, and frustration.

Thank you for exercise, God.

Just Life I Guess

All you people who are telling me things that bring me down, go to hell. I'm sorry but it's just starting to piss me off. I already have enough anxiety from everything going on in my life and I don't need anyone to add to it. Half the time I feel like I can't breath or eat. I can't handle much more. I'm going to prove it all wrong, though. Just watch.
And on another note, more positive note...
I love you, Samuel. I will forever. Even if you don't love me. I will never stop loving you. I can't not love you. I know you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. If I ever happen to tell you I hate you, never believe it. Because it's not true.

Just a Couple Thoughts

It's interesting how the one person you want to talk to most, that you want to feel close to and happy with... Is the person who never asks you if you want to spend time together and neglects talking to you. Then there is everyone else in the world with their buckets of concern and I just kick their stupid buckets over and watch them stretch thin and useless. I don't want them. I want him.

I was happy with him. I always will be happy with him. No one could replace him. Even if he leaves me for someone else, which I know he won't, but if he did... He would be the only one in my heart. I will love him forever. And that's not a lie or said light-heartedly. I WILL love him forever.

Dang.

Wow, I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted something on here. I dunno, life is just... AHHHHH! I don't know. Ups and downs, just like it always is. There isn't anything I wanted to particularly focus on, I just wanted to post something. Anything. Maybe I'll do better this time around. Peace out.