Emptiness

Sadness. It sucks. (Same with stupidity! Or a least it should...) So does the emptiness that comes with it. Like there's nothing left inside of you. It's a hard feeling to explain, you know?

Sometimes I wish I wasn't even alive. At least I wouldn't be able to cause people pain.

*sigh*

At least I still have dance and my friends and my family...

Everything may not be perfect but at least we tried.

It's too late to say all the wonderful things that I thought of you.

So tonight, sweet dreams, and sleep tight.

I've been trying so hard, can't get you out of my mind.

And if this is how it has to be-

Just promise you won't forget me, and I'll leave you with this lullaby...

Tonight.

Goodnight everyone. Long days ahead.

Words

Well... I'm not sure where to start. I'm not sure what I want to say either. I have a lot of thought swimming around in my head that I wanted to just get out, but to be honest I'm not sure where to begin.

Anger. Is an evil, manipulating thing. Never let it overcome you or swallow you up. If you are feeling angry about life, or at people, or just for no reason in particular. Allowing it all to just build up inside you is not healthy. Talk to someone. Surround yourself with people you love. Friends, family, anyone. Anger is powerful and it will consume you if you let it. Take it from me. I know. I let it just brew inside me; when I let it out... *sigh* It was to someone who did not deserve it. I was fierce and blunt. So, now I have ruined one of the best things I've ever had in my life. Possibly the BEST thing I've ever had in my life. Perhaps even beyond repair, no matter how much I want to work things out. To anyone who reads my posts: Anger will only lead you to misery.

The worst part about break-ups... Is the second day. The first day you are just like "What just happened...?" But the second day all reality slams you in the face and you're like "Oh, God. What HAPPENED? How did something so beautiful, and so amazing just... Crumble?"

Then you realize you have nothing inside.

It's like someone just ripped out your guts and put them in a blender and tried to put the resulting soup back in your body. And then your heart was smashed with a sledge hammer. It struggles to beat normally.

But mostly. It's just the emptiness inside.

People think it's fine for the person who did the breaking up. Nothing is wrong for them. But that's not true. Not at all. They can often be just as devastated and confused as their former significant other. Perhaps... They don't even understand why they did it in the first place. But there's no turning back now cause it's like they've taken a knife to the relationship and shredded it. It's very much possible that the other person hates them now. Lost feelings for them completely. But what can be expected, right?

One other thing is... After you are with someone so perfect for so long. When I try to think of myself with other people, it's nauseating. I try to think of dating, but the only person I can see is him. But I've ruined it.

I guess it's a question in itself why I broke up with him. I guess it was just my anger and frustration that was piling up. Remember me talking about that up there ^^^^^? Yeah. It's just confusing when you think that all is right in the world and all of a sudden you have to "take a break". It just messes with my head. I couldn't take myself becoming more frustrated and confused everyday. So I just... Exploded. Out of the mouth. Go life long mistakes.

I'd like to address depression as well. Everyone has had their bouts of depression. They hurt. It's just like all those stupid advertisements for depression medicine say. Loss of interest. Don't want to be around people. Always tired. Sadness. Despair. Clinical depression is very complicated. I always hated when people told me to stop bagging on myself about stuff. Or to just be happy. When you are depressed, you can't "just be happy". It is literally as if you have weights pulling down on your body, on your life. Again to all of the readers out there: Talk to someone about it. I know you hear that in school and everywhere else you could possibly think of. But it's true. You lose so much if you don't. Tell your parent! Get some doctors help. Your life will be increasingly easier if you do. Depression is a punk. Don't let it control your life. Take it from someone who has suffered for the longest time. I'm finally getting better. For the most part. Do not let it consume you; life is not for living in sorrow :]

Let's just say that I'm one of the stupidest people who have ever been put on this earth. I'm needy and inconsiderate and impatient. I let anger and depression control me and it contributed to destroying the best relationship I ever had and making the person I love most hate me. I wish it could have a quick fix. I wish... That we could talk it out and everything would be okay. But I guess that's just not how the world works. It's my fault of course. I would never blame it on him. Thank you Stephanie's stupidity.

I wish I could be:

• Patient
• Not messed up
• Non-Emotional
• Able to go back in time
• Perfect for him

But that's not how it works.

Life is cruel, it's true. But then again, life is what we make it. So, in a way I suppose that I have a knack for messing things up for myself. Go me.

I know one thing for sure. If things don't work out with him... I'm done with relationships. I don't think I could possibly ever find what I have now (...had?). I would never be able to look a man with interest. It makes me uneasy to even think about it. I'll just be a cat lady. I don't care. He's all I ever needed. And always will be. I'll die alone without him.

Whether he think so or not, I still love him. Even if he thinks I hate him. I don't. I love him. Even if he doesn't love me anymore, well, I still love him. Even if he reads this and doesn't believe a damn word I say. I still love him. Even if he thinks this whole post is BS and that I'm just doing it hoping he'll read it. I still love him. Even if he doesn't try and finds someone else. As heartbroken as I'd be, I still love him. Even if he decides there's nothing left between us. I still love him. But if things work out... And everything is okay again. I think I'll cry. From happiness.

I guess I didn't really think about what I was throwing away. That's another thing that anger, depression, and frustration do to you. They make you blind. To everything.

So this last part I'm dedicating to Sam.

Samuel, I don't know what you are thinking. I wish I did though. If you hate me... I know I can't blame you. I can't even find words to say what I want to convey. I'm sorry for how I treated you. I know that much. I can't say I'm sorry that I broke up with you, as horrifying as that sounds, because I needed to to clear my head. The whole on a break thing... I don't know. It was just traumatizing. I wish you understood how I was feeling. But... *shrug* I know you probably don't understand. I DO wish I never had broken up with you. But I'm not sorry for it. Does that make sense without sounding mean? I wish I had a better way with words. Everything I say seems to come out the wrong way.

But I love you. I always will. We had something beautiful going for us. I miss you. Deeply and horribly so. I long to be in your arms again. I don't know what I could say to make you believe me. I don't even know if you care about what I'm saying to you. But no matter what... I am in love with you. You are one amazing guy. I know I would never be able to find someone like you ever again. One of a kind.

I will follow you into the dark.

-Steph

And now...?

I have reached that point where I have no idea what to do. About anything. In a way I can not believe that I really broke up with him. I miss Sam so much already. Every part of me wants to be with him. I just can't play that middle ground. It's too hard. It's hard to explain what I feel inside and my thought process about it. It just wasn't us. So I had to end it; at least for now. I just wish I could see inside his head.

Had a dream last night where he wrote me a letter. I don't really remember what was in the letter, but it was really long, that's for sure. I wish I could remember.

I wish we could just work things out. We're both such emotionally sensitive people... It's not easy. I don't think he wants to. He probably thinks I don't care. Or that I hate him. Or that our relationship meant nothing.

If that's the case... I don't know. He couldn't be more wrong.

I guess that if things are meant to work out they will. I'm not going to bug him about it because that seems to always be my problem. I never shut up. Ha ha I hope that we get to talk about everything. I just want to wipe away the last 3 months and start with a clean slate.

Because I need him. In my life. I love him.

Stupid life, why must you be so difficult?